In that dark corner of the world, where they use metres and kilograms instead of feet and stone, was born Mohamed Diomande on the 30th of October, 2001. Through some heinous twist of fate, between cakes and candles, our lad found himself sweating under the unforgiving Ivory Coast sun. Imagine, a strapping fellow of 6ft (1.83m) and 11st 11lb (75kg) forsaking normal childhood for long hours of tortuous training. The evidence, you ask? The numeral '10' stamped on his perspiration-drenched jersey. It's a mystery how anyone saw potential in such a raw talent, but despite the odds, he ascended to the ranks of the Ivory Coast national team.
From the sticky humidity of Africa, Diomande was swooped up by Right to Dream Academy, transplanted to the relative coolness of the Ghana First Division. But barely a year later (January 2020), a new suitor came calling – FC Nordsjaelland of the Superliga in Denmark - how exotic.
His time at FC Nordsjaelland seems a veritable festival of mediocrity from 2019 to 2024. Cumulative scores? Poor lad could barely manage a total of 14 goals from 86 appearances. One would hope he was more useful in the midfield, creating opportunities and pulling invisible strings – but the records say otherwise.
And thus came 2024, carrying with it some strange wave of optimism. Diomande abandoned the humble Danes and found himself playing for Rangers in the Scottish Premiership. Perhaps someone over there has a soft spot for stoic endurance. Rangers liked what they saw, signing the lad for about £4.3m - wishful thinking perhaps?
During his years with Rangers (2023 to 2026), our champion managed to score a grand total of seven goals across 74 matches. Yes, you heard right, seven! The lad seems set on his path of mediocrity, with a single goal to his name in the ongoing 2025-2026 season. And participation in a generous selection of cups and qualifiers - League Cup, Scottish Cup, World Cup Qualifiers Africa, Champions League, and Europa League to name a few - only confirms the club's relentless hope for a miracle.
Yet, don't we all adore a never-say-die spirit? Diomande, whether in the dust of Africa, the chill of Denmark, or the torrents of Scotland, continues to play his heart out, dancing on the fringes of greatness. But alas, to be a 'great' in football, one needs more than just heart. Talent, for instance, would be nice. Perhaps in another life, eh?
